When Pushy Parents Cross The Line

If you have ever been in a committed relationship for any amount of time, odds are favorable that you have spent some time with that person's family. It's also likely that you have come across varying degrees of pushy parents. If you are experiencing this in your relationship, listen up. You might be able to avoid a few headaches and even strengthen your bond as a couple along the way.

Word on the street has it that mothers (smothers?) are typically the worst offenders of pushy parenting. This is true. This is not to say, however that dads are never the guilty party. In fact, if Dad has an issue he wants to push, he will usually use mom like a marionette to get his message across. He may look innocent over there in his easy chair, but that's just because you can't see him fiddling with the strings. Thanks to the fact that both of my parents are equally obnoxious, I am duly qualified to make these types of judgments.

Most of the pushy things parents do are done with love. They don't mean to intrude but they just can't help themselves. Especially if mom or dad senses that there baby bird is somehow in trouble. They may swoop down to try to rescue you without realizing they are offending everyone involved.

Lots of parents are guilty of stuffing the occasional $50 into your pocket or insisting you never leave their home without enough food for a week. Some parents start begging for grandchildren the second the ring is on your finger. But where does pushy cross the line? What can you do when things go from a little annoying to really intrusive?

The secret is a good defense strategy that is formed by the couple. Yes, this means talking about things that are uncomfortable and emotionally charged. Be open and honest about the things that are important to each of you. This sounds simple, but if you know where your joint values stand it will be easier to ward off intrusions. Besides, just think of how much nicer it will be to discuss these topics preemptively over a glass of chardonnay instead of at 3AM in a torn wedding gown in front of the neighbors.

There may be times where a situation flares up and you find yourself really angry, or even worse hurt. Before you lunge at your mother in law for offering you a 3rd piece of pie, you need to take a second and make sure it's not really over the fact that she took your kids to church, and then, in an even more tragic turn of events, to an R rated movie. Wait until you calm down and have a chance to discuss it with your partner if possible. Decide if it really is something that you just can't tolerate.

If this is the case, you will have to decide when and how to deal with it. You just can't ignore it and let it fester into a bigger issue than it already is. Ideally, you will have a chance to voice your concerns with the offending parent(s) as a couple. Be gentle, but be sure to be as clear and as firm as necessary. By dealing with the issue early, you can potentially save yourself from decades of aggravation.

Knowing where you sand as a couple on the big issues is the most important tool for keeping family drama at bay. It is much harder to be pushed around or thrown off guard when a couple is aware of what is important to eachother. Let the little stuff go, but stand firm and back each other on the real issues. This concept is so easy to understand yet so difficult to master. Spend the time to communicate with each other and maybe you can prevent the next family showdown before the pitch forks and torches come out.